i do believe that persistence pays off.
if you persist
in running away from love,
one day you will succeed.
you will look back and find yourself alone.
love will finally tire of chasing you.
Friday, April 03, 2009
Wednesday, April 01, 2009
be yourself...
what is she thinking?
does she like me?
is she thinking of me?
is it too soon to call?
should i wait for her?
will she feel flattered or stifled?
from all of the thoughts that i so deftly disguise with a cool pose and a dismissive laugh, what you'll never hear me vocalize is my often debilitating fear of fucking up. i never told you this, but the dip in my self-esteem is the belief that possibly i played a strong role in the failure of my past relationships. but let's be very clear. this wonder is merely a grasp at elusive straws. trying to take control of my life, as if fate can be wrangled. but as wholly as i respect fate, i equally understand that through introspection and the earned admission of fault, one (i) can possibly avoid a destructive pattern, become a better person and a better partner.
i'm attracted to the rocky road.
i see this as a pattern in my life. the women (and men) that i've loved most deeply were the ones i could never have in my most pleasing fantasies. i could confess the love i previously chose never to express. i could work to be as problem-free, stress-free, conflict-free as a breathing/thinking person could be. i could never leave the house looking less than my own personal best. but perfection never won troubled lady. this is not to say that i wasn't loved. sometimes the easiest love to find is that which has been purposefully hidden from you. it's part of the game. but sheltered, measured love is not enough to keep a healthy heart beating.
the flip side of this worn-down coin is the obvious. with the exception of one mutual love, those that wanted me most never stood a chance. there was almost nothing they could do to rekindle my initial affection once i realized it wasn't steadily intensifying. i'm too much of a hard-edged realist to force that which will eventually die anyway. as cruel as this feels (when either of us is the recipient), it is the way of affection. no person can be convinced to be in love. i can't convince myself to love the most healthy suitors in my past. damn i wish i could! i have known some wonderful women! but what's good for us isn't always so obvious. there's something that keeps the obvious from being the answer. for me, i'm attracted to a woman with her own mind, her own ambitions, her own life. but when someone else's time is consumed by their solo pursuits, those that make them attractive, you're left to wonder, "do thoughts of me creep into her mind?"
you want them to have other things to do. you don't want to smother or be smothered. so a woman with pride asks herself, "how do i navigate this in a cool way?" how does one woo, be wooed, express her admiration, know that she is admired and wanted, without playing herself and scaring off her crush in the ways that she has been scared off in the past? the answer is the cliche.
be yourself.
i am finding that the most freeing and empowering thing i can do is to not hide behind the heavy mask of perfection, divulge my unattractive secrets, be unavailable when i'm truly busy, be unavailable when i need alone time, admit the things i'm ignorant of, say no when it's appropriate, demand the things i need, be clear about my desires for my and our future, and express myself when i'm hurt or fearful. i will balance this new life with my generosity, my affection, my trust, my faith, and my support.
and if i can look to my right
and see that she is still sitting there
beside me,
undeterred by my virtual strikes and bruises,
then perhaps
i can breathe.
does she like me?
is she thinking of me?
is it too soon to call?
should i wait for her?
will she feel flattered or stifled?
from all of the thoughts that i so deftly disguise with a cool pose and a dismissive laugh, what you'll never hear me vocalize is my often debilitating fear of fucking up. i never told you this, but the dip in my self-esteem is the belief that possibly i played a strong role in the failure of my past relationships. but let's be very clear. this wonder is merely a grasp at elusive straws. trying to take control of my life, as if fate can be wrangled. but as wholly as i respect fate, i equally understand that through introspection and the earned admission of fault, one (i) can possibly avoid a destructive pattern, become a better person and a better partner.
i'm attracted to the rocky road.
i see this as a pattern in my life. the women (and men) that i've loved most deeply were the ones i could never have in my most pleasing fantasies. i could confess the love i previously chose never to express. i could work to be as problem-free, stress-free, conflict-free as a breathing/thinking person could be. i could never leave the house looking less than my own personal best. but perfection never won troubled lady. this is not to say that i wasn't loved. sometimes the easiest love to find is that which has been purposefully hidden from you. it's part of the game. but sheltered, measured love is not enough to keep a healthy heart beating.
the flip side of this worn-down coin is the obvious. with the exception of one mutual love, those that wanted me most never stood a chance. there was almost nothing they could do to rekindle my initial affection once i realized it wasn't steadily intensifying. i'm too much of a hard-edged realist to force that which will eventually die anyway. as cruel as this feels (when either of us is the recipient), it is the way of affection. no person can be convinced to be in love. i can't convince myself to love the most healthy suitors in my past. damn i wish i could! i have known some wonderful women! but what's good for us isn't always so obvious. there's something that keeps the obvious from being the answer. for me, i'm attracted to a woman with her own mind, her own ambitions, her own life. but when someone else's time is consumed by their solo pursuits, those that make them attractive, you're left to wonder, "do thoughts of me creep into her mind?"
you want them to have other things to do. you don't want to smother or be smothered. so a woman with pride asks herself, "how do i navigate this in a cool way?" how does one woo, be wooed, express her admiration, know that she is admired and wanted, without playing herself and scaring off her crush in the ways that she has been scared off in the past? the answer is the cliche.
be yourself.
i am finding that the most freeing and empowering thing i can do is to not hide behind the heavy mask of perfection, divulge my unattractive secrets, be unavailable when i'm truly busy, be unavailable when i need alone time, admit the things i'm ignorant of, say no when it's appropriate, demand the things i need, be clear about my desires for my and our future, and express myself when i'm hurt or fearful. i will balance this new life with my generosity, my affection, my trust, my faith, and my support.
and if i can look to my right
and see that she is still sitting there
beside me,
undeterred by my virtual strikes and bruises,
then perhaps
i can breathe.
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