hinged: a central point or principle on which everything depends

if your
self-love
stability
comfort
strength
identity
comfort
or comfort lies in your complete understanding of me, who i am, why i am, and why i am not like you...then your sanity is in peril.

if your sanity is threatened, you are liable to do insane things.

it is an insane act to publicly, and even privately, humiliate a person because you think she looks strange. it is an insane act to humiliate someone because you think her strength is TOO MUCH FOR A WOMAN. because let's be clear, the initial inquiry into the biological gender of ms. caster semenya was a sexist act. in my humble and loud opinion, all women need to be completely insulted. with the initial inquiry you were told that you could not be that strong. any person that strong must be male. it doesn't even sound strange when i say it. and that is the problem. and now this woman is reportedly undergoing counseling and is under suicide watch? some powerful heads need to be hanging low in horror at what they set in motion. not one person alive fits into the original mold of who we were supposed to be. it's entirely too restrictive. besides, there are too many different minds configuring that mold.

any one of us could be caster. i know i'm different. i know i make many uncomfortable. icing on the cake is that i don't give a fuck. i mean, i'll sit down and talk to you. i don't hate you and i don't resent your curiosity. i swear i'll try to make you understand how i am different from you and how valid my experience is. but if you can't accept that there are things you just don't know, that you need to be told, then it's your work to make sure your comfort is not hinged to my submission. cuz good luck to you (and often good luck to us all) if it is. uncomfortable people are capable of insane things. with a touch of gall they can humiliate, they can assault, they can murder, they can rape.

the issue many don't understand is that i do not make you. and you do not make me. if you fail, it is not because i made gains. your understanding of our differences is not your biggest problem in the world. it will not cure all that ails you. it is not cause or permission for you to grant or invalidate my right to be who i am. it is not cause for you to disrupt my life. who i am cannot shift according to your desire, so it is not defiance toward you. my identity does not shift according to your need for comfort and understanding, so your comfort cannot sit attached to me.

often we put too much stock in understanding our differences. gasp! what kinda radical black lezzie am i?? understanding is enlightening. it feels good. but first, to shield our self and our fellow man from the power of our ego, we need to acknowledge that we will not understand every difference or explanation, and that ignorance should never threaten our sanity.

sure, let's discuss "traditional marriage"...

With all of this debate about gay marriage, we as Americans, and particularly Black people, need to really re-examine and perhaps respect traditional marriage. I mean, I'm all for a fight. But since traditional marriage seems to be so important for the have's, especially Black have's, let's remind ourselves of what traditional marriage actually means. Maybe we really do need to preserve it. Hell, I could be wrong...

"...These two services are often cited because the right to education and the right to choose one's employment are commonly thought of as the two most important rights that were denied to slaves. However, the cruelest aspect of slavery may have been the denial of a slave's right to a secure family structure.

Current social theorists emphasize strong family relationships as being paramount for an individual's emotional and mental health. (Owens 191-192) A stable nuclear family was almost impossible to maintain under slavery. Marriage between slaves was not legally recognized. Slaves requested permission from their masters to be allowed to marry and the recognition of the union only came from within the slave community. The slave marriage ceremony, if one was held at all, varied from the couple jumping over a broomstick together to exchanging vows in front of a white minister. Whatever the nature of the wedding ceremony, slave marriages ultimately depended on the will of the masters. Some slaves were forced into "marriage" for breeding purposes. (King 64, Owens 93, Unwritten 1) Husbands, wives, and children were often separated when sold. To many whites, the slave family consisted of transient members who could be easily exchanged emotionally by the slave as they could physically by the master. Because of this, slaves obtained a reputation among whites as being immoral and devoid of family values. (Owens 193)"

--Valley of the Shadow Project at the University of Virginia
http://valley.vcdh.virginia.edu/HIUS403/freedmen/fs/intro.html

Sounds so familiar:

• Marriage between ___________ was not legally recognized.
• To many _______, the ______ family consisted of transient members who could be easily exchanged emotionally.
• Because of this, ________ obtained a reputation among _______ as being immoral and devoid of family values.

An account of marriage by Mary Reynolds who was once enslaved:

"After while I was taken a notion to marry, and Massa and Missy marries us same as all the niggers. They stands inside the house with a broom held crosswise of the door, and we stands outside. Missy puts a li'l wreath on my head they kept there, and we steps over the broom into the the house. Now, that's all they was to the marryin'. After freedom I gits married and has it put in the book by a preacher."

So, go jump your pretty lace-covered broom, share your rose-colored views about the tradition of marriage, and enjoy that that you believe to be your god-given right. If it ain't broke for you, don't fix it. Freedom in this country has long be fought for by a minority and won without the sweat and tears of those unwilling to disturb their comfortable peace, and I am not worried. The stumbles on our path don't upset me. I see the future. Twenty years from now, after the battles have been won and the war has ended and soldiers on both sides have settled down, I see millions telling tall tales about what side of the fence they were on, afraid to look cowardly or bigoted in the eyes of a purer generation.

As a child I looked at the angry faces in pictures from the days of the civil rights movement and wondered where did these people settle in to? These people who fought so hard to preserve their way of life and to deny very simple rights to a group of people they felt were so unlike them, they were clearly walking amongst us without a sign or a patch to distinguish them. In polite company, nothing distinguishes them so I can't ask, "What do you think now? How does this equality you were so scared of, how does it feel now? Does it hurt as much as you thought it would? Did the initial sting bite but the pain subside?"

But it's just curiosity fueled by the knowledge that as polite as we are to each other now, many of our gracious neighbors once proudly and publicly embraced more selfish thoughts. So as hard as it is for many of us to take losses graciously, I personally don't worry. The day of the Prop 8 ruling I walked around with Dr. King's voice ringing in my head. Lines about the promise land. Even if I don't personally see the day when my right is legally my right, I know that day is coming. Don't be angry. Don't be complacent. Settle in on the right side of the fence now and have faith. Breathe. It really will be ok.

persistence pays.

i do believe that persistence pays off.
if you persist
in running away from love,
one day you will succeed.
you will look back and find yourself alone.

love will finally tire of chasing you.

be yourself...

what is she thinking?
does she like me?
is she thinking of me?
is it too soon to call?
should i wait for her?
will she feel flattered or stifled?

from all of the thoughts that i so deftly disguise with a cool pose and a dismissive laugh, what you'll never hear me vocalize is my often debilitating fear of fucking up. i never told you this, but the dip in my self-esteem is the belief that possibly i played a strong role in the failure of my past relationships. but let's be very clear. this wonder is merely a grasp at elusive straws. trying to take control of my life, as if fate can be wrangled. but as wholly as i respect fate, i equally understand that through introspection and the earned admission of fault, one (i) can possibly avoid a destructive pattern, become a better person and a better partner.

i'm attracted to the rocky road.

i see this as a pattern in my life. the women (and men) that i've loved most deeply were the ones i could never have in my most pleasing fantasies. i could confess the love i previously chose never to express. i could work to be as problem-free, stress-free, conflict-free as a breathing/thinking person could be. i could never leave the house looking less than my own personal best. but perfection never won troubled lady. this is not to say that i wasn't loved. sometimes the easiest love to find is that which has been purposefully hidden from you. it's part of the game. but sheltered, measured love is not enough to keep a healthy heart beating.

the flip side of this worn-down coin is the obvious. with the exception of one mutual love, those that wanted me most never stood a chance. there was almost nothing they could do to rekindle my initial affection once i realized it wasn't steadily intensifying. i'm too much of a hard-edged realist to force that which will eventually die anyway. as cruel as this feels (when either of us is the recipient), it is the way of affection. no person can be convinced to be in love. i can't convince myself to love the most healthy suitors in my past. damn i wish i could! i have known some wonderful women! but what's good for us isn't always so obvious. there's something that keeps the obvious from being the answer. for me, i'm attracted to a woman with her own mind, her own ambitions, her own life. but when someone else's time is consumed by their solo pursuits, those that make them attractive, you're left to wonder, "do thoughts of me creep into her mind?"

you want them to have other things to do. you don't want to smother or be smothered. so a woman with pride asks herself, "how do i navigate this in a cool way?" how does one woo, be wooed, express her admiration, know that she is admired and wanted, without playing herself and scaring off her crush in the ways that she has been scared off in the past? the answer is the cliche.

be yourself.

i am finding that the most freeing and empowering thing i can do is to not hide behind the heavy mask of perfection, divulge my unattractive secrets, be unavailable when i'm truly busy, be unavailable when i need alone time, admit the things i'm ignorant of, say no when it's appropriate, demand the things i need, be clear about my desires for my and our future, and express myself when i'm hurt or fearful. i will balance this new life with my generosity, my affection, my trust, my faith, and my support.

and if i can look to my right
and see that she is still sitting there
beside me,
undeterred by my virtual strikes and bruises,
then perhaps
i can breathe.