single, single single...life

i'm surrounded by signs that its time to stop fucking around, grow up and settle down. my new friend just asked her girl to be her life partner. people getting married never quite bothered me so much but maybe because its two women, both younger than me, dreams and expectations i'd long freed to save my sanity once again seem fresh, attainable, real and normal now. things like a wife and a home. plus my friends seem to believe in me in a way that makes me believe someone might want to settle down and live with me forever. i've always thought i was a loveable person but that seemed to be the exiting conclusion of all my exes, that someone would appreciate me someday. thanks. but hey, i'm not stupid and i'm not too self-centered to consider that part of the reason i'm usually alone is because of something i'm putting out there (or holding back). the reason this has never bothered me before is because i never regret ending a disfunctional or dead end relationship. sure i would be able to say my longest relationship was five years, but if i had waited that long it would have been four years of me making excuses for someone i love but know doesn't treat me like i'm worth her time. as i write that it sounds harsh but it has been my reality. and shit like that is just not good enough for me or anyone else i know. anyway, its inspiring to talk to someone who feels the need to exclaim at random times how much they are in love. the exciting thing is knowing one of these days someone will feel that way about me, and they'll tell me. they won't hide behind a concrete wall of pride. and i'll feel the same way. i'll be so in love that i'll slowly creep from behind all my comfort zones and make her feel just as loved. i haven't met her yet but i'm patiently waiting. no rush. i've got work to do.