please don't push.

in the dark empty corners, where my true self cowers, i miss being simply a child. i want to take lessons without the threat of shame for not being THE SHIT. i want to feel you out without feeling you up. i want to feel you up without losing. i never learned to love without pride. never learned to to give emotion over blindly. i never learned how to plant your pain and wait patiently to see what grows. i've mastered a stiff back and indignation. try to get one over on me. sigh. insecurity masks itself as perfection everyday. that's not my life's ambition. i don't strive towards "amazing." i just want to learn what you like. am i moved? i want to dip my toe in without being pushed. i want to fuck up without shame and feel that at that moment, despite all, i know more. i drive slow, veering into in the left lane, and i hear the horns. inspiration is a dangerous thing for a practical gal like me.

no harm, just another false alarm

Last night I dreamt
That somebody loved me
No hope, no harm
Just another false alarm
Last night I felt
Real arms around me
No hope, no harm
Just another false alarm
So, tell me how long
Before the last one?
And tell me how long
Before the right one?
The story is old - i know
But it goes on
The story is old - i know
But it goes on
Oh, goes on
And on
Oh, goes on
And on

--the smiths

the walking wounded

it's taxing work to take life as it comes and accept the indisputable fact that things happen because they are supposed to. there's fate and there's faith. we play our role in this drama driven by emotion, desire, will and thought, but ultimately there's fate standing in the background, strong and confident. i feel like the only way to make it through this game is to just have faith. emotions can wrack your body and leave you raw and spent. faith heals hurt, disappointment, rejection, lonliness and it eases a wandering mind. it is soothing like aloe.
the sagittarian tongue is stronger than the heart it protects.

my heart is shielded well.

but in order to keep going, smiles and dreams in tact, i must have faith that i'm ok, not for all, not for one, but a select few. i fit somewhere. someone is looking for me. my flaws are clear and present. like ugly scars they will soon fade. no salve quickens the process. i am who i am, but not what some see.

and then there is the fickle heart and the overactive mind.

my ex-stalker once told me that one day someone that i wanted would not want me back. i told him that i've always known that. that's life. then i told him to stop calling me at 4:00 in the fucking morning.

i may never know why she didn't call. she may not be interested. she may be hella busy, just wishing for more time. curious eyes and smiling voices don't tell the whole story. what is supposed to happen happens. i have to have faith that things will work out, not in the way that i want, but in the way that i need. and faith eases the discomfort of patience.

for the first time, out there.

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

sometimes when i'm lonely,
don't know why,
keep thinkin' i won't be lonely,
by and by
::langston hughes::

single, single single...life

i'm surrounded by signs that its time to stop fucking around, grow up and settle down. my new friend just asked her girl to be her life partner. people getting married never quite bothered me so much but maybe because its two women, both younger than me, dreams and expectations i'd long freed to save my sanity once again seem fresh, attainable, real and normal now. things like a wife and a home. plus my friends seem to believe in me in a way that makes me believe someone might want to settle down and live with me forever. i've always thought i was a loveable person but that seemed to be the exiting conclusion of all my exes, that someone would appreciate me someday. thanks. but hey, i'm not stupid and i'm not too self-centered to consider that part of the reason i'm usually alone is because of something i'm putting out there (or holding back). the reason this has never bothered me before is because i never regret ending a disfunctional or dead end relationship. sure i would be able to say my longest relationship was five years, but if i had waited that long it would have been four years of me making excuses for someone i love but know doesn't treat me like i'm worth her time. as i write that it sounds harsh but it has been my reality. and shit like that is just not good enough for me or anyone else i know. anyway, its inspiring to talk to someone who feels the need to exclaim at random times how much they are in love. the exciting thing is knowing one of these days someone will feel that way about me, and they'll tell me. they won't hide behind a concrete wall of pride. and i'll feel the same way. i'll be so in love that i'll slowly creep from behind all my comfort zones and make her feel just as loved. i haven't met her yet but i'm patiently waiting. no rush. i've got work to do.

the pansies are line dancing

i've decided to always make sure boondocks is in the top five posts. and yes, i am joking.

it's hard out here for a ho

a message i sent to a friend who was proud of three six mafia's oscar win:

well, i didn't watch the oscars...cuz i don't care. i hated the movie [hustle & flow] and i hated the song. besides the problematic treatment of women in the movie, the story just wasn't that original or touching! i mean come on! a pimp wants (pick one a. a better life. b. to be famous. c. to make music. d. to share his story), he works hard to get a demo made, gets it to a rapper who ends up shitting on him and he lets his emotions take over and ends up in a worse situation. so...the...hell...what? what is so original? and i want anybody who can, to please help me understand how the hardships of a pimp outweigh the hardships of the women who have sex with strangers for money...only to give some of that hard earned money to a pimp who complains about his hard life. get the hell outa here! i love how people think that it ever gets easy for a prostitute to let a foreign body touch or enter hers. it's hard for a pimp? really? i wasn't aware. and yes i too am absolutely mortified that this sexist buffonery was performed on the oscar stage. i enjoyed seeing the joy on three six mafia's face when they won, but not at the expense of a woman's (any woman) respect. "i'm in charge!!" cheesy!!

my new signature:

"it's hard out here for a ho!"

brilliant!!

aaron mcgruder is hilarious!

complete idiot's guide to having black friends

the complete idiot's guide to having black friends

you best protect ya neck

i feel like i'm surrounded by too many dope-ass women who don't recognize their status as dope ass women.

Never Offer Your Heart to Someone Who Eats Hearts
by Alice Walker

Never offer your heart
to someone who eats hearts
who find heartmeat
delicious
but not rare
who sucks the juices
drop by drop
and bloody-chinned
grins
like a God.
Never offer your heart
to a heart gravy lover.
Your stewed, overseasoned
heart consumed
he will sop up your grief
with bread
and send it shuttling
from side to side
in his mouth
like bubblegum.
If you find yourself
in love
with a person
who eats hearts
these things
you must do.
Freeze your heart
immediately,
Let him—next time
he examines your chest—
find your heart cold
flinty and unappetizing.
Refrain from kissing
lest he in revenge
dampen the spark
in your soul.
Now,
sail away to Africa
where holy women
await you
on the shore—
long having practiced the art
of replacing hearts
with God and Song

i posted this because it's one of my favorite poems. it helps me get my shit back on track. pushes me out of love with someone who is not hurt by hurting me. keeps me from worshipping someone who is pre-occupied worshipping their own greatness. self-love is necessary. priorities are admirable, sexy. but you gotta know for yourself where you're ranked. and when you know, you gotta decide if you're high enough. no? take back your admiration and with it your pride cuz nothing is worse in my mind than someone giving the control button leading to their state of being (happy, sad, proud) to someone who recognizes and abuses their power. they know they can rock your boat, and when they aren't feelin' right with themselves, their gonna need to look down on you and you're still giving them the power to push you just as low as they need you to be. it's really all about self-preservation. not a brick wall, cuz brick walls may keep trouble away, but they keep sunshine away too. there has to be a certain amount of openess to self-preservation. allow life to happen. allow people to come close, but when you stop feeling good acknowledge the change and take control. that's it for now.

the n word

snatched from allhiphop.com:

Various rappers and celebrities are featured in the upcoming documentary, "THE N-WORD," a straight-to-DVD film exploring the use of the controversial word. Russell Simmons, Chuck D., Quincy Jones, Whoopi Goldberg and other celebrities share their personal experiences surrounding the word. The 85 minute documentary is executive produced by best-selling author Nelson George and was written and directed by Todd Larkins. "It's a word that's been seared into the American psyche," Larkins said. "It's used to insult, enrage, demean, and oddly enough endear. It was a subject that begged for deeper examination." "The N-Word" hits stores nationwide on Jan. 24 via UrbanWorks Entertainment.
For the full story log on: http://www.allhiphop.com/hiphopnews/?ID=5257

i swear i don't get this bullshit about how we changed the meaning of the word nigger. if i call my best friend a skankin ho, she knows i still love her, and that i'm being funny, but that the reason its funny is because she knows it's an insult. she's not thinking, boy, if some sexist male called me a skankin ho we'd be rumbling, but since it's a fellow female, the meaning of skankin ho has now changed to mean sister. hey, if the meaning of the word has been changed, as some wannabe powerful negroes seem to think we have the POWER to do, then why do i cringe every time i hear a black person, latino person or (gasp!) down-white person say it on the train...in an endearing way? and on that note, why get pissed when a young white guy says "nigga"? we've basically explained to him that in removing the "er" we have taken away the negativity. shit, why shouldn't he wanna be endearing with us?? boy, i wish i had the power to change other insulting words by mispelling them!

boondocks

LGBTSTGNCab-fuckin-c!

yesterday i recieved an email concerning recent incidents of violence towards LGBTSTGNC people of color. who??? what in the hell are LGBTSTGNC people?? apparently it stands for lesbian, gay, bisexual, trans, two-spirit, and gender non-conforming. so um, people, love the corectness of it all, but you can't just start freelancin on your own, changin up shit (lgbt, lgbti, lgbtq) anytime you feel like it! and how many letters is too many? i say it's outa control when i can't memorize all the letters. hell, what happened to queer?

Sony Music launches gay label

The recording industry is coming out of the closet.

Sony Music on Tuesday said it was launching the first major music label dedicated to nurturing lesbian, gay, bisexual and trans-gendered artists.

The label, Music with a Twist, is a joint venture...

read on

the lesbian word

ooh yeah! thought stolen from another queer lady blog. just wanted to express my extreme dissapointment watching the L Word premiere and finding that they had not changed the intro and it still has the horrible @#*@ing song!!! ugh!!

drive slow homie

knowing where you are, what you need and being disciplined enough to stand strong for your heart, your self-esteem, your faith, your body as a whole and all that it houses, is a fulfilling state to be in. knowing that what feels good in the moment does not translate to long-term happiness is nothing but growth. good aging. so clearly i met a fine woman and i'm like slow down sparky!! but the good thing is before i even met her, i had decided that i need to slow down and stop assigning "the one" status so quickly, or even "ms. right now" status, because both categories lead to hurt once the truth sets in that you can no longer be with this person. so now, i met this woman and i really enjoy talking to her, and if my attraction does not grow along the way i have a new friend and i have not hurt her, and if it grows into something warm and fulfilling then i have something more with my friend. either way i think i come out fulfilled, just in different ways. but ultimaly the most life changing thing, over friendships and over love, will be the knowledge that i have the discipline to say no to myself when i want to do something fun and foolish.

more than the eye can see

it's funny. i keep meeting women who, to the ignorant eye read as butch. i don't know you, i see how you dress, how you walk, how you carry yourself as a whole, and i make my assumption. but not too loud. in my mind. too myself. by now i know not to assign someone their identity. as i said in the book, labels are about the assigner, not the assignee. they allow us to put someone in a familiar and sometimes comforting box. to feel like we know who they are. but of course, we don't. so lately i've been meeting these women who read as some version of butch, who don't identify as such at all. honestly, i think it's refreshing. attractive even. i don't feel trapped by being seen as femme, i know my expression of self varies, even if it escapes the average eye. it's cool. i've learned to accept that the nuances of my gender expression are not seen as craters in the wide and complex landscape of queer identity. it's not a quiet acceptance, but i'm not blinded by pride. but i find myself more attracted to the untraditional expression of masculinity, one that is what it is, and yet escapes easy definition. i don't know, i think it comes from my life long appreciation for the balance of opposites. eh, more later.

keep it fuckin cool!

it's really painful when you love a friend, love their dutty draws. but in the midst of you getting to know them and trying to love their flaws, cuz if they are a good person the goodness out weighs any flaw, they keep throwing shit at you. keep challenging your love and your acceptance. how much can you take? how much until it's time to say "i love you, but your crazy is wearing on my patience!" i guess it's that time when you stop referring to the flaws as different and start using the "crazy" word. hmm...

is it because she's a ...BUTCH?

conversation with mother about my lovely cousin regarding gifts.

moi: hey. so i got her sizes for you but mother.

mum: what?

moi: you gota buy her boys clothes.

mum: boys clothes! why?

moi: cuz that's what she wears!

mum: well can i just give her money and she can buy her own clothes?

moi: haha. yes, if you want.

mum: so, um, is this because SHE'S A BUTCH?

moi: hahahahhahahahhahaha. um, yes.

more laughter followed. mind you, i don't even know if my cousin identifies as butch, i just thought it was funny.

be nobody's darling, says alice

BE NOBODY'S DARLING
Alice Walker, Anything We Love Can Be Saved

Be nobody's darling;
Be an outcast.
Take the contradictions
Of your life
And wrap around
You like a shawl,
To parry stones
To keep you warm.

Watch the people succumb
To madness
With ample cheer
Let them look askance at you
And askance you reply.

Be an outcast;
be pleased to walk alone
(Uncool)
Or line the crowded
Riverbeds
With other impetuous
Fools.

Make a merry gathering
On the bank
Where thousands perished
For brave hurt words
They said.

But
Be nobody's darling;
Be an outcast.
Qualified to live
Among your dead.