single, single single...life

i'm surrounded by signs that its time to stop fucking around, grow up and settle down. my new friend just asked her girl to be her life partner. people getting married never quite bothered me so much but maybe because its two women, both younger than me, dreams and expectations i'd long freed to save my sanity once again seem fresh, attainable, real and normal now. things like a wife and a home. plus my friends seem to believe in me in a way that makes me believe someone might want to settle down and live with me forever. i've always thought i was a loveable person but that seemed to be the exiting conclusion of all my exes, that someone would appreciate me someday. thanks. but hey, i'm not stupid and i'm not too self-centered to consider that part of the reason i'm usually alone is because of something i'm putting out there (or holding back). the reason this has never bothered me before is because i never regret ending a disfunctional or dead end relationship. sure i would be able to say my longest relationship was five years, but if i had waited that long it would have been four years of me making excuses for someone i love but know doesn't treat me like i'm worth her time. as i write that it sounds harsh but it has been my reality. and shit like that is just not good enough for me or anyone else i know. anyway, its inspiring to talk to someone who feels the need to exclaim at random times how much they are in love. the exciting thing is knowing one of these days someone will feel that way about me, and they'll tell me. they won't hide behind a concrete wall of pride. and i'll feel the same way. i'll be so in love that i'll slowly creep from behind all my comfort zones and make her feel just as loved. i haven't met her yet but i'm patiently waiting. no rush. i've got work to do.

the pansies are line dancing

i've decided to always make sure boondocks is in the top five posts. and yes, i am joking.

it's hard out here for a ho

a message i sent to a friend who was proud of three six mafia's oscar win:

well, i didn't watch the oscars...cuz i don't care. i hated the movie [hustle & flow] and i hated the song. besides the problematic treatment of women in the movie, the story just wasn't that original or touching! i mean come on! a pimp wants (pick one a. a better life. b. to be famous. c. to make music. d. to share his story), he works hard to get a demo made, gets it to a rapper who ends up shitting on him and he lets his emotions take over and ends up in a worse situation. so...the...hell...what? what is so original? and i want anybody who can, to please help me understand how the hardships of a pimp outweigh the hardships of the women who have sex with strangers for money...only to give some of that hard earned money to a pimp who complains about his hard life. get the hell outa here! i love how people think that it ever gets easy for a prostitute to let a foreign body touch or enter hers. it's hard for a pimp? really? i wasn't aware. and yes i too am absolutely mortified that this sexist buffonery was performed on the oscar stage. i enjoyed seeing the joy on three six mafia's face when they won, but not at the expense of a woman's (any woman) respect. "i'm in charge!!" cheesy!!

my new signature:

"it's hard out here for a ho!"

brilliant!!

aaron mcgruder is hilarious!

complete idiot's guide to having black friends

the complete idiot's guide to having black friends

you best protect ya neck

i feel like i'm surrounded by too many dope-ass women who don't recognize their status as dope ass women.

Never Offer Your Heart to Someone Who Eats Hearts
by Alice Walker

Never offer your heart
to someone who eats hearts
who find heartmeat
delicious
but not rare
who sucks the juices
drop by drop
and bloody-chinned
grins
like a God.
Never offer your heart
to a heart gravy lover.
Your stewed, overseasoned
heart consumed
he will sop up your grief
with bread
and send it shuttling
from side to side
in his mouth
like bubblegum.
If you find yourself
in love
with a person
who eats hearts
these things
you must do.
Freeze your heart
immediately,
Let him—next time
he examines your chest—
find your heart cold
flinty and unappetizing.
Refrain from kissing
lest he in revenge
dampen the spark
in your soul.
Now,
sail away to Africa
where holy women
await you
on the shore—
long having practiced the art
of replacing hearts
with God and Song

i posted this because it's one of my favorite poems. it helps me get my shit back on track. pushes me out of love with someone who is not hurt by hurting me. keeps me from worshipping someone who is pre-occupied worshipping their own greatness. self-love is necessary. priorities are admirable, sexy. but you gotta know for yourself where you're ranked. and when you know, you gotta decide if you're high enough. no? take back your admiration and with it your pride cuz nothing is worse in my mind than someone giving the control button leading to their state of being (happy, sad, proud) to someone who recognizes and abuses their power. they know they can rock your boat, and when they aren't feelin' right with themselves, their gonna need to look down on you and you're still giving them the power to push you just as low as they need you to be. it's really all about self-preservation. not a brick wall, cuz brick walls may keep trouble away, but they keep sunshine away too. there has to be a certain amount of openess to self-preservation. allow life to happen. allow people to come close, but when you stop feeling good acknowledge the change and take control. that's it for now.

the n word

snatched from allhiphop.com:

Various rappers and celebrities are featured in the upcoming documentary, "THE N-WORD," a straight-to-DVD film exploring the use of the controversial word. Russell Simmons, Chuck D., Quincy Jones, Whoopi Goldberg and other celebrities share their personal experiences surrounding the word. The 85 minute documentary is executive produced by best-selling author Nelson George and was written and directed by Todd Larkins. "It's a word that's been seared into the American psyche," Larkins said. "It's used to insult, enrage, demean, and oddly enough endear. It was a subject that begged for deeper examination." "The N-Word" hits stores nationwide on Jan. 24 via UrbanWorks Entertainment.
For the full story log on: http://www.allhiphop.com/hiphopnews/?ID=5257

i swear i don't get this bullshit about how we changed the meaning of the word nigger. if i call my best friend a skankin ho, she knows i still love her, and that i'm being funny, but that the reason its funny is because she knows it's an insult. she's not thinking, boy, if some sexist male called me a skankin ho we'd be rumbling, but since it's a fellow female, the meaning of skankin ho has now changed to mean sister. hey, if the meaning of the word has been changed, as some wannabe powerful negroes seem to think we have the POWER to do, then why do i cringe every time i hear a black person, latino person or (gasp!) down-white person say it on the train...in an endearing way? and on that note, why get pissed when a young white guy says "nigga"? we've basically explained to him that in removing the "er" we have taken away the negativity. shit, why shouldn't he wanna be endearing with us?? boy, i wish i had the power to change other insulting words by mispelling them!

boondocks

LGBTSTGNCab-fuckin-c!

yesterday i recieved an email concerning recent incidents of violence towards LGBTSTGNC people of color. who??? what in the hell are LGBTSTGNC people?? apparently it stands for lesbian, gay, bisexual, trans, two-spirit, and gender non-conforming. so um, people, love the corectness of it all, but you can't just start freelancin on your own, changin up shit (lgbt, lgbti, lgbtq) anytime you feel like it! and how many letters is too many? i say it's outa control when i can't memorize all the letters. hell, what happened to queer?

Sony Music launches gay label

The recording industry is coming out of the closet.

Sony Music on Tuesday said it was launching the first major music label dedicated to nurturing lesbian, gay, bisexual and trans-gendered artists.

The label, Music with a Twist, is a joint venture...

read on

the lesbian word

ooh yeah! thought stolen from another queer lady blog. just wanted to express my extreme dissapointment watching the L Word premiere and finding that they had not changed the intro and it still has the horrible @#*@ing song!!! ugh!!

drive slow homie

knowing where you are, what you need and being disciplined enough to stand strong for your heart, your self-esteem, your faith, your body as a whole and all that it houses, is a fulfilling state to be in. knowing that what feels good in the moment does not translate to long-term happiness is nothing but growth. good aging. so clearly i met a fine woman and i'm like slow down sparky!! but the good thing is before i even met her, i had decided that i need to slow down and stop assigning "the one" status so quickly, or even "ms. right now" status, because both categories lead to hurt once the truth sets in that you can no longer be with this person. so now, i met this woman and i really enjoy talking to her, and if my attraction does not grow along the way i have a new friend and i have not hurt her, and if it grows into something warm and fulfilling then i have something more with my friend. either way i think i come out fulfilled, just in different ways. but ultimaly the most life changing thing, over friendships and over love, will be the knowledge that i have the discipline to say no to myself when i want to do something fun and foolish.

more than the eye can see

it's funny. i keep meeting women who, to the ignorant eye read as butch. i don't know you, i see how you dress, how you walk, how you carry yourself as a whole, and i make my assumption. but not too loud. in my mind. too myself. by now i know not to assign someone their identity. as i said in the book, labels are about the assigner, not the assignee. they allow us to put someone in a familiar and sometimes comforting box. to feel like we know who they are. but of course, we don't. so lately i've been meeting these women who read as some version of butch, who don't identify as such at all. honestly, i think it's refreshing. attractive even. i don't feel trapped by being seen as femme, i know my expression of self varies, even if it escapes the average eye. it's cool. i've learned to accept that the nuances of my gender expression are not seen as craters in the wide and complex landscape of queer identity. it's not a quiet acceptance, but i'm not blinded by pride. but i find myself more attracted to the untraditional expression of masculinity, one that is what it is, and yet escapes easy definition. i don't know, i think it comes from my life long appreciation for the balance of opposites. eh, more later.

keep it fuckin cool!

it's really painful when you love a friend, love their dutty draws. but in the midst of you getting to know them and trying to love their flaws, cuz if they are a good person the goodness out weighs any flaw, they keep throwing shit at you. keep challenging your love and your acceptance. how much can you take? how much until it's time to say "i love you, but your crazy is wearing on my patience!" i guess it's that time when you stop referring to the flaws as different and start using the "crazy" word. hmm...

is it because she's a ...BUTCH?

conversation with mother about my lovely cousin regarding gifts.

moi: hey. so i got her sizes for you but mother.

mum: what?

moi: you gota buy her boys clothes.

mum: boys clothes! why?

moi: cuz that's what she wears!

mum: well can i just give her money and she can buy her own clothes?

moi: haha. yes, if you want.

mum: so, um, is this because SHE'S A BUTCH?

moi: hahahahhahahahhahaha. um, yes.

more laughter followed. mind you, i don't even know if my cousin identifies as butch, i just thought it was funny.

be nobody's darling, says alice

BE NOBODY'S DARLING
Alice Walker, Anything We Love Can Be Saved

Be nobody's darling;
Be an outcast.
Take the contradictions
Of your life
And wrap around
You like a shawl,
To parry stones
To keep you warm.

Watch the people succumb
To madness
With ample cheer
Let them look askance at you
And askance you reply.

Be an outcast;
be pleased to walk alone
(Uncool)
Or line the crowded
Riverbeds
With other impetuous
Fools.

Make a merry gathering
On the bank
Where thousands perished
For brave hurt words
They said.

But
Be nobody's darling;
Be an outcast.
Qualified to live
Among your dead.

love langston!!

A girl with all that raising,
It's hard to understand
How she could get into trouble
With a no-good man.
The guy she gave her all to
Dropped her with a thud.
Now amongst decent people,
Dorothy's name is mud.
But nobody's seen her shed a tear,
Nor seen her hang her head.
Ain't even heard her murmur,
Lord, I wish I was dead!
No! The hussy's telling everybody--
Just as though it was no sin--
That if she had a chance
She'd do it agin'!
Langston Hughes, "Ballad of the Girl Whose Name Is Mud"

FemmeMenace

FemmeMenace comes out of a conversation i had with a good friend of mine, an ultra femme! heels, lip gloss, flouncy dresses, the whole damn nine. now if you want to call me femme it's cool with me, i get it, but i'm too much of a lazy bastard to self-id so strongly with the title. sure, every once in a while i feel this uncontrollable desire to do it up! but on those other days, the days where i'm tired as hell, have no clean clothes, am afraid of the bitter cold awaiting me outdoors, am just feeling a little pseudo-butch (ha!), or on the those days that i just don't see the f**king point of getting all dolled up for approval, believe me, i just happen upon dainty. funny enough, today i'm sporting my suit and tie look for my 3:00 conference call beside the big bosses. but even though i could care less, i just happen to have picked up the huge peacock colored earrings and pretty silk head scarf. eh. i guess i am femme. so anyway, my dainty friend brought up the idea of creating a community for femme queer (like-minded) women. as i said before, i can be a lazy (well, comfortable) bastard, so instead of trying to actually get folks together on a regular basis i did the thing that seemed easiest, i created a listserve. since creating that listserve two things have happened. one, i think i have been more introspective about my femmeness, to be distiguished from femininity. i think i embrace the term more, especially since i'm not the only lazy femme in the group. two, i was asked to write and essay that focused on my body image in relationship to my queer existance for a book entitled Naked: Black Women Bare All About Their Skin, Hair, Hips, Lips and Other Parts. the book came out August 2, 2005 and i have been forced to be OUT since then. we have done readings at bookstores across new york and just finished speaking to a group of teenagers about the book. i believe that we have to come out everyday, especially femme women not assumed to "look gay". and it can be hard when you aren't sure what kind of reception you'll get. but when i had straight women coming up to me after readings saying they identified with my essay, it just really took a load off of my mind. i've gotten such a strong and unexpected response from the essay that it makes me feel like the thoughts in my head might be welcomed on the outside and so i've decided to start writing more to give us little femme lezzies more visibility. eh, we'll see.